Dilemma...

I am a good girl!
Nah! You don't get it. See, I am not "self proclaiming", I actually mean it. I have always thought being good was a choice of mine. You know, that I was in total control and chose to be good most of the time versus being evil. Here's what I just found out, It's not a friggin' choice! I AM GOOD! In human standards anyways. Point is, it is woven in my DNA and I cannot be bad even if I wanted to. Of course some of those who know me will disagree with this ;) but blah. I have been most terrible these past year and I look at the "terrible" things I have entertained and...well, they just don't trouble the bad radar. Everyone around me is much worse!!! So why does that bother me you ask? Quite frankly, I don't know. I don't envy "bad" folks; ok, well maybe I do sometimes, I mean bad has been the fad for a while now, and well, sometimes I feel like getting in on it too, but perhaps a more truthful reason will be the fact that I do not have the desire to retaliate or to hurt. (Think of Junior, son of senor senor in Kim possible, to those that indulge in cartoons like me.) And oh, when I do retaliate I am so quick to apologise and forgive and.... While I'm apologising or forgiving someone who has earned my passionate hatred I can often hear my head screaming "Stop darnit!" but I never listen. When I eventually sum up the fume to leave someone in my black book I feel guilty. Oh and when I eventually stop feeling guilty about blacklisting someone then I feel guilty about not feeling guilty.

What the heck is going on?